How to divorce well

The title is obviously a bit misleading - as if there’s a perfect way to divorce, as if. Divorce is, by nature, a messy, time consuming, expensive, painful process. But, there are ways you can approach it that can ease the process, and recently I was invited on to Times Radio to comment on the topic, following a Times news article I contributed to written by Lucy Denyer, which you can find here. As a sidenote, Lucy's article is worth a read as it covers lots of areas that are much broader than the psychological and emotional fallout that I have focused on here.

It seems this time of year is ripe for lots of conversations on the topic, after the stress of Christmas which usually brings with it some drama or another, in and amongst the carols and the gifts and the mulled wine. Let’s face it, often fuelled by the mulled wine. Plus, the new year, with the connotations of fresh starts and new beginnings, is a reflective time where many turn their thoughts to how satisfied they are (or not) in their relationships. 

Firstly, know that you are not alone. Nearly half of all marriages will end in divorce. This sounds depressing, but the actual stat is measured by an ending prior to the 25th wedding anniversary. I think this added bit of context makes the stat itself a little less stark, and therefore the concept of marriage a little less doomed than popular culture might otherwise have us believe. To potentially be in a long term relationship spanning two and a half decades, even if it is does then end, is surely a milestone by anyone’s standards?

Do you know you have a choice? 

Nevertheless, I do find myself asking most of the couples I work with, who may be struggling or at breaking point - and the individuals who see me to work through their own relationship issues for that matter - “do you know you have a choice here?”

What at first seems like an obvious answer, as the majority of us are in relationships that hypothetically we could leave if things really got that bad, is actually complex, with people’s real feelings on the subject bubbling around far beneath the surface. Yes we are often aware on a cognitive level that we have a choice. But, without really thinking about it, too often this idea can be discounted, too many big implications get in the way of seriously considering the prospect: ‘we can’t afford it’, ‘the kids would be upset’, ‘how can I justify blowing up our lives like this?’, ‘what would people think of me’, ‘I can’t bear the idea of selling or moving out of the family home’ etc etc. Realise that separation is a very real choice you could make, can bring immense relief. Relief which can often show up in the relationship as a bit more of an unburdened, less stressful, lighter energy - than the alternative, which for some is a constant underlying sense of dis-ease and heaviness that can accompany the sense that we have no real agency. Which compounds the sense of unhappiness that might present for one or both members of the couple. Secondly, in acknowledging there is a real decision to be made, however hard to execute, it can encourage someone to start thinking more consciously about whether or not they are showing up in the relationship in a way that is helpful to them, their partner - and so getting the best out of it. Once people start thinking about their own contribution to their relationship (vs the not uncommon narrative of “it’s all their fault, I’m doing everything I can, I can’t be bothered to try anymore”) it’s interesting how quickly things can start to shift. But, that’s the subject of a different post! So, really facing the fact there is a real choice to be made here, and that you are capable of making it and it’s within your gift to make, is a helpful first step.

See crisis as opportunity

Part of the way I practice involves recognising crisis as opportunity - or breakdown as a chance to breakthrough, instead. This helpful reframing helps us to acknowledge and be kind to ourselves about how painful life can be at times, but it also offers a chance to learn to tolerate the discomfort, and to use the time to learn as much as we can, hopefully emerging on the other side with an even more enriched life than we had before - in big or small ways. So we don’t pretend that everything is fine from the start and put a brave face on or see our grief as an indulgence or inconvenience - we see that as a necessary part of the process. But, we also take comfort in the knowledge that we will move forwards constructively over time, and that sometimes what at first seems like a a catastrophe is actually a gift in disguise.

Get talking

If the idea of separating is where you get to, have a conversation with your partner. I’m referring to things like divorce here which implies marriage - but all these concepts work just the same for any kind of committed / cohabiting partnership. Of course things get messy on many levels when there is a separating out to undergo - especially if there are any kind of shared assets to consider. So, a conversation with your partner in the earlier stages is a good idea regardless of whether or not you’ve made the final decision to leave or instigate a split. Lots of people are left blindsided when a relationship ends without any time to work on repairing it, and equally recovery can take much longer when people aren’t truly aware of what went wrong. So, out of respect for your (perhaps former) partner, as well as yourself - talk it through. 

Think about the differences between heart and head conversations

During this period, and especially if you do decide to separate, the inevitable emotional ‘heart led’ conversations (the difficult implications of questions like why is this happening, can we save it, how long have you felt like this, what about how I feel in all of this…) will likely bring up feelings on both sides relating to very deeply rooted existential issues, like a sense of feeling rejected, not belonging, hopelessness and isolation (relating to the family unit, your partner, your social circle). These feelings can make us feel desperately unsettled and insecure, and inevitably lead to the type of unwieldy conflict that famously characterises a divorce process. During this time, try to look after yourself, and acknowledge how hard the process is, without getting too caught up in making your partner responsible for these feelings. You, just like them, have an opportunity to consider how you can really own whatever feelings you are experiencing. This helps to contain some of the many and destructive ways that our failure to contain these big emotions can affect our ability to communicate constructively, and causes hurt and damage during this sensitive time. 

Over time, your conversations will start to turn to more practical ‘head’ topics, like asset division, living arrangements, custody plans (if kids are involved) and so on. Try and plan for these conversations if you can, to give you both the chance to prepare (what are your thoughts on each of the possible areas of conversation, making sure the space is private and you won’t be disturbed etc). Try and have as much of this kind of conversation 1:1, without other family members or legal professionals being involved, especially if their role is to act as a go-between. You will unwittingly create so much more conflict by coming out of connection with each other - emails lack tone, professional communications lack empathy, third parties are dispassionate.  

It takes a village

No, I’m not talking about raising kids, which is what that phrase usually refers to. I’m talking here about you and your support network. A divorce is often the time where people decide that keeping quiet and not sharing or opening up to those closest, is the safest course of action. Whilst this affects both men and women, research has shown time and again that men in particular have even more of a tendency to close up. Closing up at this moment means you deny yourself the opportunity for support, comfort, empathy and relief - at the time when you may need it most. So if you find it hard to talk to your friends, now is a great time to enlist the support of a psychotherapist or counsellor. This route might be even more helpful, as it will give you the chance to talk without filter, without the worry that these sensitive topics might be passed around your social network at best as genuine concern for your wellbeing, or at worst as gossip. A solid support network is one of the key ways to navigate such a difficult period without falling down altogether, so don’t skimp on this bit!

Remember yourself

Many new relationships begin before the previous one has truly ended. We’re all familiar with the many scenarios in which this could and does happen. However, where a relationship ends with no third party in the mix, it can be helpful to reconnect with yourself before you think about moving on with another. This is not a new concept, but as it is so often sadly dismissed as a trite bit of therapy speak, it’s worth repeating! Fundamentally we cannot have positive and healthy relationships with others unless we learn to love and respect ourselves first. We could spend lots of time talking about why, and what this means - but in short - try and take some time to reconnect with yourself. What can you learn from the relationship you are just about to exit? In what ways did it support you and encourage you to grow - and in what ways did your mutual dynamic hold you back or keep you stuck? What patterns would you eventually like to repeat in your next relationship, and what would you like to change? Even closer to home, what qualities do you love about yourself, and what aspects of your character do you appreciate the most - and how can you give yourself the opportunity to let those qualities shine and lean into the parts of yourself that bring you the most joy independently of your next future relationship? Similarly, were there things you felt obligated or compelled to do in your previous relationship, that this new chapter will give you the opportunity to say goodbye to, before embarking on your next relationship? And in doing so, creating space in your life for new things that do motivate and excite you.

Next steps and beyond…

The next steps involve potentially enlisting legal support - and whilst on Times Radio I mentioned newer solutions like using online platforms like amicable.co.uk, or enlisting the same lawyer to draw up agreements between you both, rather than creating two opposing factions. I’m not a legal expert, so I’m not going to dwell too much on this, but suffice to say that there are options, and discussing the various ways to deal with this process in a way that works for you, without resorting to the status quo, is healthy and empowering. 

And finally, for everything that comes beyond this step - meeting someone new who may or may not have kids themselves - please consider my book Step Up, which offers lots of practical tips and advice on how to navigate the complex but highly rewarding world of step-parenting and blended families.